It’s been a while! I got way off track on posting for no particular reason at all, and that makes me sad. I’m going to try to do a quick recap of what has been going on since the last post on 7/23, so here it is:
On 7/25 I worked at my primary job. Towards the end of my 12hr shift my manager said that the next shift would be short and asked if I’d like to stay another 4hrs to get them over the initial hump. I agreed, but ended up staying longer- 18hrs total!! I didn’t feel tired while I was there but it definitely took a lot out of me because the next 2 nights, I slept 12hrs. I need a lot of sleep to recover but it was borderline too much and I ended up with a bad headache each day. Still having lots of bad headaches.
This past Friday my best friend took me to a tattoo shop to get the underneath of my tongue pierced 👅 🤘 it’s something I’ve wanted for a very, very long time and I’m SO happy I finally got it. ✔️ bucket list.
Other than that, everything has been pretty uneventful (luckily!!). Just feeling super sluggish, low energy, and can’t get anything done. I have tons and tons of housework to do that has been piling up since the beginning of July. I am getting to the point where even if I had energy to do something, it would be so overwhelming to start! Need to tackle it somehow though, it’s getting seriously unruly.
Now I’m down the shore with my family. It feels so good to get out of the house and to be surrounded with so many people I love.
Unfortunately I have to make many trips back home to take care of my zoo 😕 but the drive isn’t terribly long.
Going to try my best to post everyday and make the blog very consistent!
Tiny improvements noted! Any step up is amazing, no matter how small! Worked yesterday at my primary job, which ended up being a 14 hour shift. The shift wasn’t great but I was still so happy to be there! It was an amazing distraction and really got me out of my head. Not being able to focus on myself was just what I needed. I wouldn’t say I’m completely out of the woods yet though. Still feeling quite low at times and did have a really terrible panic attack today, but that’s nothing compared to what I’ve been feeling for the last week.
Foot is finally starting to feel better! Skipped lyra this week, less so because of my foot and more so because of how mentally psyched out and defeated I am.
I honestly don’t know if I’ll be going back. I hate to give up but it wouldn’t be the first time. I do tend to be a quitter after my best efforts fail. Something I’d really like to work on in the future, but for now.. staying afloat is still my primary goal.
Here’s hoping for more progress on the upswing and more consistent (and less scatterbrain) posts!!
And so I remain in the low. Wishing I could cocoon up, staying as long as I needed for this to pass, and finally emerge a refreshed and beautifully positive butterfly. 🦋
But that’s not how it works and so I continue to sloppily navigate life. Doing my best, which isn’t very good at all.
Did manage to make it into work today, to my second job that admittedly is less stressful than my primary job. Once I get to work (either job) I have an uncanny and miraculous ability to focus completely and check all emotions at the door. I genuinely work my butt off, do my absolute best and don’t have to fake anything- I just step up. This also happens in other areas of my life when I know I can’t afford to be unstable. It’s like I go into survival mode but sometimes more for the benefit of others. I don’t understand how to manually control that switch but I thank god it is somehow triggered when it needs to be!
So I worked a little over 5 hours today and it was tiring. Needed a nap after and required more bumming than usual. (Picture a mummy and you have a pretty good idea of what I looked like for the remainder of the day. Add a 2 hour bath in there and spot on.) Something did happen at work that almost knocked me out of focus though. While I was close by a patient, he noticed marks on my wrist and with audible concern goes, “how did you get those???” I began an elaborate story of a crafting project gone horribly wrong. I felt the sympathy radiate from him and could see on his face as he imagined my pain, not a clue that it was self inflicted. I tried to lighten the mood and suggested wine may have been involved. His face softened and my focus came back. But still I felt guilt, shame, remorse, and sadness so very deeply. I think very few could understand how someone could self harm AND feel all those things as well. He was so sweet, genuine, and displayed empathy I wish to see in the world; however, he also made me experience a very painful realization- a stranger cared more about me than I care about myself.
Now where is that cocoon?
Happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad. Happy? Sad? Wild card?
It’s not mood swings or an attitude problem, it’s rapid cycling. It’s dangerous and exhausting and difficult for anyone to understand, even those experiencing it. Waking up feeling good and going to bed (scratch that- staying up all night) with mania. Enjoying something and suddenly feeling the debilitating waves of deep, deep depression suffocating you. Others only see the surface and are left feeling confused or disturbed. Outsiders that know what’s going on still have trouble- when will this pass? Will it pass? What’s going to happen in the meantime?
I’ve been experiencing a lot of rapid cycling lately (not that I don’t regularly) and it’s pure hell. It’s difficult to put it into words, hence the sporadic blog posts. Emotions are haywire and completely inconsistent. Just when I feel like I’m leveling out and about to function like a normal person, I take a crushing blow. I’m having a really difficult time staying afloat. All my go to coping strategies aren’t even making a dent. The only saving grace is my true and deep insightfulness. I’m aware of the cycling, despite the occasional small lapses where I don’t know what’s going on or what I’m doing. I’ve learned the ups, downs, precursors and endings like the back of my hand. Not many curveballs coming my way because I’ve been through A LOT. But don’t get me wrong. It hurts, and bad. For now, it’s just one foot in front of the other. As slow and shakily as necessary to get there. All the while praying not to lose my balance.
Forced myself (pretty unhappily) to my lyra class on Thursday. I got there a few minutes late and didn’t at all feel proud that I had pushed myself to go. I was all in my head and the emotions were welling just below the surface. My teacher could tell something was wrong and the more she said “it’s ok” the more I wanted to burst into tears. I was already feeling completely hopeless and though I tried my best, I could barely land a single move, and so I sunk further in defeat. About 15 minutes into class I did a very sloppy dismount from the hoop and landed full weight, off the mat, on the ball of my right foot. The physical pain was almost welcome compared to the emotional distress I was experiencing. I knew it was injured but I didn’t realize how bad, and I had already come so far, so I went through the next 45 minutes of class on my bum foot. After class was finished, I could barely get my foot in my shoe from the swelling and I could hardly walk. So I canceled my therapy appointment and decided I should go to urgent care after seeing my psychiatrist. Psychiatrist appointment was short, uneventful and basically to get med refills. Went to urgent care and had an X-ray which luckily showed nothing was broken. Begrudgingly had to call out of work yesterday though because of all the pain. There was no way I could have been 12+ hours on my feet, but still I felt guilty to call out. There are some (most) days where I wish for an alien abduction as opposed to going to work and yet yesterday it actually made me feel worse mentally to have to stay home! Go figure. Overall feeling pretty somber and in a bit of a funk. Don’t think it will be as easy as having my foot feel better to bring me out of it either. Just being mindful to my emotions and keeping a hold on them instead of the other way around.
Work again today. Not a regular shift, was a little lighter work but really tiring nonetheless. The back to back shift really kicked my butt. I don’t just feel “sleepy” tired, I feel “every single crevice of my body and mind is utterly exhausted” tired. It definitely brings my mood down to think what other people do so easily, takes me exponential effort and an equal recovery time. Tomorrow is a day off of work but I’m still going to push myself to get stuff done. In the morning I have an aerial lyra class. I know I won’t feel like waking up to go, but after it’s over I’ll be proud and satisfied that I went. In the afternoon I have appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist. So I guess you can say it’s also a mental health day?? No rest for the weary!
Went back to work today after 2 weeks of being off. I work per diem so it wasn’t an intentional time off, they just didn’t need me. But oh what a joy it was!!! It was really tough getting back into the work groove. Couldn’t sleep last night, chest tightness, hot and cold sweats, sick to my stomach, Xanax at the ready… it’s crazy how mental illness can manifest itself so greatly in physical forms. My alarm went off at 6:05am and after a brief snooze, I begrudgingly got up. To be honest, once I got through the initial torture of waking up and made it to work.. I was kind of happy to be there! Spending so much time in the house sounds amazing but in reality, it isn’t always the best idea. The more I stay in, the less I want to leave and I just disconnect more and more from the real world. I’m not saying today was easy breezy by any means… but it felt good to get out there and spread my metaphorical wings. 🦋