And so I remain in the low. Wishing I could cocoon up, staying as long as I needed for this to pass, and finally emerge a refreshed and beautifully positive butterfly. 🦋
But that’s not how it works and so I continue to sloppily navigate life. Doing my best, which isn’t very good at all.
Did manage to make it into work today, to my second job that admittedly is less stressful than my primary job. Once I get to work (either job) I have an uncanny and miraculous ability to focus completely and check all emotions at the door. I genuinely work my butt off, do my absolute best and don’t have to fake anything- I just step up. This also happens in other areas of my life when I know I can’t afford to be unstable. It’s like I go into survival mode but sometimes more for the benefit of others. I don’t understand how to manually control that switch but I thank god it is somehow triggered when it needs to be!
So I worked a little over 5 hours today and it was tiring. Needed a nap after and required more bumming than usual. (Picture a mummy and you have a pretty good idea of what I looked like for the remainder of the day. Add a 2 hour bath in there and spot on.) Something did happen at work that almost knocked me out of focus though. While I was close by a patient, he noticed marks on my wrist and with audible concern goes, “how did you get those???” I began an elaborate story of a crafting project gone horribly wrong. I felt the sympathy radiate from him and could see on his face as he imagined my pain, not a clue that it was self inflicted. I tried to lighten the mood and suggested wine may have been involved. His face softened and my focus came back. But still I felt guilt, shame, remorse, and sadness so very deeply. I think very few could understand how someone could self harm AND feel all those things as well. He was so sweet, genuine, and displayed empathy I wish to see in the world; however, he also made me experience a very painful realization- a stranger cared more about me than I care about myself.
Now where is that cocoon?