Happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad. Happy? Sad? Wild card?
It’s not mood swings or an attitude problem, it’s rapid cycling. It’s dangerous and exhausting and difficult for anyone to understand, even those experiencing it. Waking up feeling good and going to bed (scratch that- staying up all night) with mania. Enjoying something and suddenly feeling the debilitating waves of deep, deep depression suffocating you. Others only see the surface and are left feeling confused or disturbed. Outsiders that know what’s going on still have trouble- when will this pass? Will it pass? What’s going to happen in the meantime?
I’ve been experiencing a lot of rapid cycling lately (not that I don’t regularly) and it’s pure hell. It’s difficult to put it into words, hence the sporadic blog posts. Emotions are haywire and completely inconsistent. Just when I feel like I’m leveling out and about to function like a normal person, I take a crushing blow. I’m having a really difficult time staying afloat. All my go to coping strategies aren’t even making a dent. The only saving grace is my true and deep insightfulness. I’m aware of the cycling, despite the occasional small lapses where I don’t know what’s going on or what I’m doing. I’ve learned the ups, downs, precursors and endings like the back of my hand. Not many curveballs coming my way because I’ve been through A LOT. But don’t get me wrong. It hurts, and bad. For now, it’s just one foot in front of the other. As slow and shakily as necessary to get there. All the while praying not to lose my balance.