mentalhealth · mentalillness

Defeated

Forced myself (pretty unhappily) to my lyra class on Thursday. I got there a few minutes late and didn’t at all feel proud that I had pushed myself to go. I was all in my head and the emotions were welling just below the surface. My teacher could tell something was wrong and the more she said “it’s ok” the more I wanted to burst into tears. I was already feeling completely hopeless and though I tried my best, I could barely land a single move, and so I sunk further in defeat. About 15 minutes into class I did a very sloppy dismount from the hoop and landed full weight, off the mat, on the ball of my right foot. The physical pain was almost welcome compared to the emotional distress I was experiencing. I knew it was injured but I didn’t realize how bad, and I had already come so far, so I went through the next 45 minutes of class on my bum foot. After class was finished, I could barely get my foot in my shoe from the swelling and I could hardly walk. So I canceled my therapy appointment and decided I should go to urgent care after seeing my psychiatrist. Psychiatrist appointment was short, uneventful and basically to get med refills. Went to urgent care and had an X-ray which luckily showed nothing was broken. Begrudgingly had to call out of work yesterday though because of all the pain. There was no way I could have been 12+ hours on my feet, but still I felt guilty to call out. There are some (most) days where I wish for an alien abduction as opposed to going to work and yet yesterday it actually made me feel worse mentally to have to stay home! Go figure. Overall feeling pretty somber and in a bit of a funk. Don’t think it will be as easy as having my foot feel better to bring me out of it either. Just being mindful to my emotions and keeping a hold on them instead of the other way around.

xJ

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